For some years now, I have always prayed for Generosity.
To give without counting the cost, to labor without seeking rest, to sacrifice myself without thought of any reward.
Little did I know, I was lacking humility.
Don't get me wrong. I am not conceited, it's just that I have a huge ego. I let my pride get in my way, some times.
All this time, I thought "feels awkward" was the right term to describe why I don't like this, why I don't like doing that. I hate having self-assessment and performance discussions with my supervisor. May it be a positive or negative review, I don't care.
I "feel awkward". I don't want people to praise me for my achievements (
my high school friends knows this. I hate being tagged as the "achiever". I hate them for telling other people that I am good at this, I did that, etc. I want them to let things go unnoticed.). More so, I hate being corrected. I don't like people telling me to do certain things, especially if I know (or think) that I am doing the right thing.
In statistical terms, my pride is "
Poisson Distributed". There will be instances that I can take being corrected (K. Fine.) BUT that's a rare event (read: I have a huge ego).
Fast forward to 2017, I was ranting about work-related events. While I was blah-blah-blah-ing, my boyfriend silently sent me a link to this new prayer:
O Jesus! meek and humble of heart, Hear
me.
From the desire of being esteemed,
Deliver me, Jesus.
From
the desire of being loved...
From the desire of being extolled ...
From the desire of being honored ...
From the desire of being praised ...
From the desire of being preferred to others...
From the desire of being consulted ...
From the desire of being approved ...
From the fear of being humiliated ...
From the fear of being despised...
From the fear of suffering rebukes ...
From the fear of being calumniated ...
From the fear of being forgotten ...
From the fear of being ridiculed ...
From the fear of being wronged ...
From the fear of being suspected ...
That
others may be loved more than I,
Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.
That
others may be esteemed more than I ...
That, in the opinion of the world,
others may increase and I may decrease ...
That others may be chosen and I set aside ...
That others may be praised and I unnoticed ...
That others may be preferred to me in everything...
That others may become holier than I, provided that I may become as holy as I should…
He mentioned terms like "pride" and "ego". I was shookt. All this time, I thought "feels awkward" was the right term to describe how I truly feel. Unknowingly, it was PRIDE and EGO. One thing I am missing: the need to learn how to control and overpower these two.
I have always prayed for generosity;
To give without counting the cost, to sacrifice myself without thought of any reward. Little did I know, I also need to pray for humility. To learn how to lower my pride and set my ego aside as well as to accept that things will not always go my way. (BUT HEY!!! I already did this a couple of times in the past!)
For some years now, I have always prayed for generosity, but this time, I will pair it with humility (prayer guys. prayer) and let's see where this new road will lead me. :)